Yesterday. Sunday.
\n10:15 PM.<\/p>\n
I drop into my chair, nudge the mouse, and wake up the computer.
\nI breathe in the silence and exhale the leftover Sunday evening chaos.<\/p>\n
Then suddenly, with a burst of energy, I jump up\u2014as if I\u2019ve forgotten something\u2014and rush to the kids\u2019 rooms.<\/p>\n
Pa is already fast asleep, and my \u201cgoodnight\u201d kiss only flips her over like a pancake in a pan.
\nKissing Do on the head, I probably slow him down just as he\u2019s drifting off:<\/p>\n
\u2014Sweet dreams. I love you so much.
\n\u2014Goodnight, Mom. I already know that very well.
\n\u2014Forgive me if I run out of patience sometimes\u2026
\n\u2014Oh, stop! I\u2019d run out way faster! You\u2019re still doing really well, you know\u2026<\/p>\n
he says slowly, already slipping into a dream.<\/p>\n
Even though just five minutes earlier\u2026
\nstanding in the shower, I was honestly trying to wash away\u2014scrub off with a rough cloth\u2014the thought that had been buzzing around me all evening like the most annoying fly:<\/p>\n
\u201cHow easy it would be not to have children\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
No Sunday homework.
\nNo endless hours sitting beside them, holding onto the very last thread of patience\u2014
\na thread that trembles from time to time, as if about to snap,
\nbut somehow doesn\u2019t\u2026 because it\u2019s the most elastic one.<\/p>\n
No piles of laundry.
\nNo sorting, folding, and delivering clean clothes like a postwoman into every closet and drawer.<\/p>\n
Dear God, sometimes I wonder\u2014why do they need so many socks?
\nAnd why are those tiny underwear pieces so ridiculously hard to fold?<\/p>\n
No torn pants or tights.
\nNo careful mending that takes forever.<\/p>\n
No broken-record \u201cmelodies\u201d like:
\n\u201cGo wash up. Did you brush your teeth? Why are your rooms still messy?\u201d<\/p>\n
No mess at all.<\/p>\n
No outgrown shoes and jackets (every season!!!!).<\/p>\n
No banana pancakes with jam.<\/p>\n
No spilled cocoa and accidentally stained once-perfectly-white curtains.<\/p>\n
No thunderously heavy early mornings\u2014
\nwhen you almost chase sleep away with a stick
\nand go wake them gently, tickling them awake,
\nstill smelling of dreams, grumbling softly.<\/p>\n
No \u201cMom, I forgot to tell you that\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
No mountains of band-aids.
\nNo endless reminders: \u201cdoctor,\u201d \u201chairdresser,\u201d \u201cdentist.\u201d<\/p>\n
No anxious glances at the clock,
\nmentally calculating how many minutes he\u2019s been walking alone through busy city streets\u2014
\nand even more irrationally comparing if yesterday it didn\u2019t take less time.<\/p>\n
If I didn\u2019t have children, I swore to myself,
\nI\u2019d live on tomatoes, cucumbers, and instant 3-minute porridge.
\nA mouse could hang itself in my fridge from emptiness.
\nI\u2019d vacuum rarely.
\nDust even less.<\/p>\n
Why?
\nBecause there would be no \u201cwhirlwinds\u201d
\nlifting the quiet dust from corners,
\npulling things out of neat closets,
\nbuilding towers of dirty dishes\u2014
\nand on top of all that chaos,
\nmy overheated ears would no longer catch those perfectly clear \u201cradio waves\u201d:<\/p>\n
\u2014Mom, what\u2019s this? Ew. I don\u2019t eat this. Can you make something else?<\/p>\n
I. C.A.N.\u2019T!!!\u2014
\nI roar inside myself like nine hurricanes.<\/p>\n
And for some reason, right here and now, I remember a funny phrase I once heard:
\n\u201cLove your future grandchildren\u2014they\u2019ll take revenge on your children.\u201d<\/p>\n
If I didn\u2019t have kids, I\u2019d live in stillness.
\nI\u2019d read a lot.
\nDevour books every day\u2014not fall asleep ten minutes after opening one.
\nI\u2019d read in the early evenings.
\nIn silence.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d exercise\u2014
\nnot glancing at the clock, wondering if it\u2019s time to run and pick them up.
\nNot squeezing it into a free minute\u2014
\nbut when I actually want to.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d nap on weekends.
\nDrink coffee slowly\u2014not just on weekends.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d lie in the bath.
\nGo to regular beauty treatments.<\/p>\n
Plan vacations without the main questions:
\n\u201cWill there be anything for the kids to do? A pool? The sea? What\u2019s the shore like? Not rocky? What about food? Water slides? A playground?\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019d build my meals on simplicity and speed.<\/p>\n
I wouldn\u2019t fill the house with the smell of pancakes.<\/p>\n
\u2026I\u2019d have a perfectly maintained figure, glowing skin, smooth under-eyes, a spotless home, a massive library of books read\u2026
\nI\u2019d be more \u201ccultured,\u201d more cosmopolitan\u2026<\/p>\n
\u2026and I\u2019m almost certain
\nmy biggest dream would be
\nto have them.<\/p>\n
Hearing my own child tell me before sleep that I\u2019m doing a great job as a mom\u2026
\nI suddenly crushed that nasty thought that had flown into the evening chaos\u2014
\nthat happiness lives in silence and sterile order.<\/p>\n
We, MOMS, do have silence.
\nFrom the moment they dive into sleep
\nuntil we, exhausted, follow after them.<\/p>\n
Our silence is short\u2014
\nbut intensely concentrated.
\nAnd I suspect it\u2019s more valuable
\nthan the kind we could have in a sterile life without them.<\/p>\n
Sweet dreams, moms.
\nListen to what they say in that half-asleep state\u2014
\nit recharges your drained batteries back to 100%.<\/p>\n
V.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"template":"","class_list":["post-17518","istorija","type-istorija","status-publish","hentry"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/viktorijos.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/istorija\/17518","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/viktorijos.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/istorija"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/viktorijos.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/istorija"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/viktorijos.lt\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17518"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}